dorkfysh's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the shortest month My words come out like shards of glass. My throat is torn and bloody and I am afraid to speak anymore. I stare at the sky and smoke cigarette after cigarette until my chest feels filled with glue. February has always been like this. As long as I can remember. My memories of this month have always been grey and cloudy. I always wonder if it has to do with the position of the sun or the fact that this was my mother's last month of pregnancy. It's that last month of dropped keys and sleepless nights that make you feel like all hope is lost. It's the time when it's easy to forget what you have been looking forward to. There are moments when you allow the bitterness to set in. I remember how I felt right before the kid was born. I felt like a waddling appliance. I was reduced to series of bodily functions. I would stare at myself in the mirror and wonder who this person was...and how did everything end up here? That last month was all about mourning that person that I would never be. I wonder how my mother, a 16 year old with too many responsibilites as it was, coped with what she knew was coming? It's like you are letting your batteries run down because the rush of love you feel when you see what your body has created would otherwise make your heart burst out of your chest. Everything is static at this moment. I wish I knew what I was waiting for. 1:28 p.m. - February 07, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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