dorkfysh's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- no candles Tomorrow I will be 33. This bothers me. It's not so much the age, but the fact that I am almost halfway through my life and still don't know a damn thing. I don't know what I want to be or why I am here. I barely eke out an existence for me and the kid and even the thought of living in a house seems like an impossible dream. There are so many things that I would like to do, but I don't know where to start. I feel like other people are able to figure out things that remain a complete mystery to me. Love and Work and Happiness are all so elusive to me. I'm so tired of trying to figure it all out on my own. I'm tired of failing at everything. Tired of rejection and sadness. I'm tired of feeling like I must be a horrible person because I can't keep it all together. I am surrounded by people that love me, but not in the way that I want and it makes me feel like a bitch because it isn't enough. I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not want to smash my face in. Where to begin? I can't keep waking up every day to feel hopeless and lost. Here's to another day to cross out on the calendar. 9:45 p.m. - February 26, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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