dorkfysh's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- coming out? I'm careful about what I wear. It's usually dark colors and long enough to cover my belly and ass. I don't wear anything too bright or too revealing. I'm not sure if I have ever worn anything sleeveless. I have to move clothes aside to show off the tattoo on my arm. You see, it's not so much that I am ashamed of how I look. It's more like I have been afraid of offending other people. You hear it all the time. "Just because they make it your size doesn't mean you should wear it" "I can't believe she left the house in that." "She's too fat for that skirt." "She'd be so pretty if she lost some weight." blah blah blah blah So I stay covered up...just to be polite. The last thing I want to do is ruin anyone's day with the spread of my upper arms or the jiggle in my thighs. Then on Saturday I went to Fat Girl Speaks and saw all these beautiful fat women getting up in front of a sold out crowd in lingerie and bathing suits and skimpy little dresses. I'm not sure I have ever seen so much intense joy contained in one place. They went up there and singing and speaking from their hearts and dancing and stripping and....damn...it was amazing. I'm not saying I can magically feel sexy all the time or anything. I just feel like I might be brave enough to wear a t-shirt in the summer without the overpowering urge to put on a hoodie. Maybe I will even go swimming. Maybe I will be brave enough to flirt with a boy in public. I'm not sure if any of this stuff will actually come true, but after this weekend I see that I'm not alone. Maybe next year I will be brave enough to stand up on the stage next to them and not worry that everyone will laugh. Imagine if I could actually be in the presence of the opposite sex and not avert my eyes and try to disappear into the woodwork so as not to offend them in case they imagine I am flirting with them or something. I never talk about these things because I suspect most people think that we should stay hidden. Fat is supposed to be the enemy, right? Well, I'm tired of my body being something to be ashamed of. This is how I am. It's highly unlikely I will ever vary much from the weight I am. Bah...I have so much to say about this, but never do, so it's hard to gather my thoughts. One woman stood up on the stage and said it was harder for her to "come out" as fat than it was for her to come out as a lesbian. Wow. So...yeah...I'm fat. 5:11 p.m. - May 05, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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