dorkfysh's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- letting it out It’s a frustrating time around here. I feel like I’m drowning in bills and thoughts of money and where I can get more of it consume my brain. I hate money and thinking about it as much as I do is making me feel a bit ill. I’ve also lost all interest in this single mom bullshit. I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job (no matter what everyone says…they don’t live with us). My mom had her own business and the hobby farm she always wanted by the time she was my age. I was also just about to graduate from high school and she had to live with a drunken asshole to get what she wanted. Whatever…she left him after I left home and didn’t need to support me anymore. I’m tired of having to choose between keeping the phone on and getting my kid much needed clothes and shoes. I’m tired of my friends thinking I only spend time with them for their washer and dryer. I’m tired of owing people money and feeling horrible guilt for taking my kid to a movie or blowing money on booze. I feel selfish for wanting to enjoy myself. I got paid last week and paid some of my bills and then had too much fun with the kid. It was irresponsible. I AM irresponsible. I now have no way to pay for some of the stuff we really need and I don’t get paid for another week and a half. I’m not strong or smart or brave. I’m barely keeping it all together. One false move and it will all collapse around us. I can’t really talk to anyone about this mess because they just want to fix it and they can’t. It’s that or I am consumed with jealousy over their situations. I don’t know any single moms who stay single or are really do it without any help. There is no child support or weekends with daddy around here. I look at some women. The ones who have become shapeless and colorless. The ones who have no reason to give a shit about themselves. You see them all the time in their ill-fitting, ugly clothes and bad haircuts. They are always alone reading dog eared novels and driving around in beat up old cars. Their children have grown up and left home and they have no reason to care anymore. I’m afraid that will be me. I am afraid that IS me. 12:24 p.m. - June 10, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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