dorkfysh's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- echoes The mind sometimes wanders to life without the kid. I wonder what it would be like and who I would be without her. She has been gone nearly a week and the silence is deafening. I run from place to place and spend more time with friends, but there is always something missing. I am certain that if she hadn't pushed her way into my life I would have been a much less happy person. It's not like I'm delirious with joy over every aspect of this life, but being totally alone is far worse. Before I became the kid's mom I lived alone exactly once. I rented the second floor of a house on the south end of Boston. The woman that owned the house was crazy and mean and I mostly hid in my gigantic room. The bed was next to the window and I could look out at the city and the squirrels in the trees. I was there as little as possible. I came down with bronchitis one spring and was coughing up a lung, trying to find a way to get comfortable on my futon while watching the smallest black and white tv in history. I had cough so bad that my stomach muscles separated and when it got really bad at night someone would pound on the ceiling. My only good friend had moved to Arizona and my new boyfriend was in Georgia visiting family. I remember telling myself that if I had died nobody would have noticed until there was a smell. There was nothing more pathetic than me staggering to the corner store in the pouring rain to buy myself orange juice and tea and getting drenched by a cab turning the corner into a puddle. I felt so sorry for myself. The boyfriend rescued me when he came back home and gathered up all my things and moved me into his little room in Jamaica Plain. It wasn't the best relationship, with him figuring out he was gay after all, but we served a purpose for each other. That was the spring I became as grown up as I would ever get. I still feel like the 20 year old girl in the too big overalls and baby face. I look at my passport picture that was taken that summer and realize it's the only photograph of myself that feels like me. I don't look anything like that girl anymore. She refuses to wear her glasses and has long long hair. She's so small and serious and childlike. Her eyes are angry and she isn't smiling. I recognize her and keep her close. On Monday the kid will be home and I will feel like myself again. 12:08 p.m. - July 12, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||