dorkfysh's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my head is eating me alive I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t know if I ever have. It’s chaotic in my home and in my head and it’s all about survival. I look at the kid and see strength and confidence that I know I never had….not even for a second. I must have done something right. I just let her be herself and watch closely for cues to see what she needs. I know she’s not learning a damn thing about money management or housework from me. This is ok. My mom tried like hell to teach me those things and as soon as I left her house I forgot all about them. I hate it that I can’t be a strong and powerful role model for her. I’m sure she knows how weak I am and how much I struggle to hold everything together. Every time she gets money she offers it to me…which makes me feel horrible. I try to make sure she is around other people who are not like me. People who are capable and talented. It’s important that she knows that she doesn’t have to be like me. I need to make a lot of changes in myself. If I am like this while she is a teenager she will have no respect for me…she will be disgusted. I want to be someone else. 11:24 a.m. - August 01, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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